Strong Arms

Yesterday, dozed off in front of tv and when Jay tried to wake me up but to no avail, he carried me with his 2 strong arms into the bedroom.

Although I was still half asleep that time, I still remember this familiar feeling... the feeling of being carried by strong arms and know that you are safe with it, and the weightless feeling during the journey from sofa to bedroom is very "nice"... if you know waht I mean.

When we (me, my little brother, and my little sister) were small kids, during one period of 'crazy time', we always exhausted all our energy during the day time, and thus sometimes before the bed time, we were all dozed off on the sofa. And, trying to wake up 3 impatient kids who were sleeping is a crazy idea, ask my mom and she will tell you "No No No". So, our dad will carry us one by one upstairs to our bed. Remind you, there are 3 of us.

Dad has to make 3 rounds. He always picked up my sister first. smallest gua... then my brother... then me... 3 of us sleep in 1 bedroom that time.  When we were all being carried upstairs and placed softly on our bed, we will open our eyes and have a small giggle, coz we were awake already actually before dad carries us. But we just like the feeling of being carried so we continue to pretend to be asleep, 3 of us!!! We were very gan.

The feeling of being carried by our dad is very safe, very protected, and very "nice". His arms were strong... and he has no complaint at all, carry all 3 of us making 3 trips up and down the stairs. My bui bui, he will comlpain one, "wah.. since when you so heavy liao!" Slap him.

I miss those days... I miss my dad. Who says time can minimize pain? Sometimes when I was taking the skytrain and have nothing to do, and when my mind wanders off to "dangerous zone" - missing my dad, I still cannot help but cried. I wonder did I have a depression??? I don't know why I can't let go of him, even though I perfectly understand 生老病死 is an unbreakable cycle for all of us. I guess I still could not understand the cause and cannot digest the process. And also absorbing full regretness of not arriving one day earlier to be able to talk to him one last time. And I am also taking full regret on continueing my stupid lousy not-worth job at Shanghai that time, instead of quitting the job and go back to KL to be beside him, I guess I believed totally what the doctor said, that if he is on chemo, his lifespan can last 1 more year. I thought I can decide whether to quit job or not by the time he started his chemo, to see how was his condition. BUT no, he didn't even get to that part. I guess this is what I cannot let go. I thought and I thought and I thought, I was so stupid. I thought I have the whole situation under my control. I am such a stupid girl!

When do people go after they die??? Sometimes I really miss him, I hope I can go to those people and ask him/her to connect us to talk. Do you think those people can do this job??? I really have lots of crazy thoughts...

Then I read the news, a 70-year-old woman was found alive, after 4 days of the earthquake/tsunami. I will think, why some people so difficult to die, and some people so easy to die? Who chooses who to get grabbed by the waves and went missing, and who decides who can stay on the floating roof for 4 days and get rescued?? I am sooo frustrated.

Then I also thought, the beggers I always saw sitting at the same spot, asking money, they have meaningless life. Why they not die??? But my dad, who was still contributing greatly to the society and to the country even at his retirement age, why is he get strucked by this fatal illness?? And the ironic thing is, he was not killed by the fatal illness, he was killed by the pneumonia he developed after the surgery, and then slowly, most of his internal organ went malfunction, liver, stomach, and I don't know what else because he wasn't able to talk because they put tubes through his nose, throat for him to breath. Thanks to the brilliant doctoer we have in Malaysia, they did not tell us after they did this, he won't be concious, he is as good as dead. Brilliant doctor, you guys are so brilliant. Hope you all have a great life in front of you.

Life is so unfair.

In such a moody condition right now, I think I had better stop writing and go out get some fresh air.