Miss you...

Reading this book now.

It is amazing how some books can soothe your mind... make you feel calm...

This book includes some real stories of how people deal with the loved ones who are dying, or are dead. Reading some of the stories brought me back to the time when I was losing my dad.

I am the eldest daughter to my dad. Though he never explicitly admit, I think his love to me is more than to my siblings. I was the first who is born, first who went to university, first to drive him here and there, the first to seek his tutorial in Algebra when the first few algebra homeworks I brought home, I almost cried because I don't know how to make them work, the first who laugh at his pronounciation when he teach me single bond and double bond in chemistry, and first to make him proud in many things. Though it is certainly fair to say that my brother and sister do make him proud too, but I guess the feeling is never the same when you are the first. Of course, that includes the bad things too, the first to argue with him and broke his heart many times, which I regretted big time and is willing to do anything on earth, to take those moments back.

He is also the first person I tell when I got admitted to my dreamed university, scored flying scores in university, obtained the Honors Rolls. I emailed him mostly for this kind of news, or I wrote him letters (yes, 15 years ago, writing letters is still a normal thing to do). After he was gone, my sister and I were cleaning his files, and I saw he kept those letters. I must have really made him proud. Or, he was keeping the letter and all the university receipts so he can throw this at me when I made him mad and screamed to me, "who gave you the life you having now huh?":)... I still remember he calculated and he told me I costs him 3 mercedez in my school fees! Wow... plus a Proton Iswara of course, the car he bought for me when I came back to work. Actually, I was not that into car that time. I was taking bus to go to work in KL, I don't remember I complaint about the commute to him, but he did it anyway. He loves me a lot. I didn't feel that way last time, but I certainly can see clearer now.

Right before he was sick, I remembered I called home to complaint something the china police station. Something they make so difficult to get me the residence paper. My dad was not home when I called. But he called me back to comfort me, that means a lot to me. He is always my hero. Though as he aged, I realized he is becoming more dependant on me in many things, but he was still a hero to me. Knowing I had a dad at home gives me hope in many things. And holding his hand crossing the busy streets buying newspaper, or buying fruits, makes me feel strong and yet at the same time feel protected.

His whole life was busy planning for his students, and for us too. I just hope he could have stayed a few years longer, so we can be busy planning for him and mom too. Planning for their trip (though I did once, and that memory of inviting them and having them in Shanghai is still surreal now) could bring so much joy to me when I see his contented look. My dad is such a contented person. Every small things his students did for him, he will tell us how happy he felt.

And speaking of his students, sometimes when he told me they celebrated his birthday, and bought him gifts, I will feel very jealous. I jealous because I didn't get to do these to him while his students who live daily around him can. I jealous they can bring him out for dinner while I can only give him a long distance call. I jealous they surprised him with the birthday cake while this job should have been my job. I jealous because he spent his birthday at Terengganu (he was a professor there) more than in KL, so even before I moved to Shanghai, I already didn't get to spend his BD that much on his real birth date.

Why can't my dad still be here leh?:( Next month is Father's Day again. Yes, I use the word "again" because I really don't like this day. It makes my heart ache. Several days in the year always make my heart ache, Father's Day, Whole of June, July and August, and his birthday. And I really envy my friends who still have their dad. You guys do not know how lucky you are, so lucky...

I really miss him. I used to think he is at heaven. But now I don't believe in God, so the image of Heaven also not there anymore. And I feel so frustrated don't know what to believe where he is now. :( I kept some of his ashes in a small urn and placed it in my drawer. So I will always know he is there.

Miss you daddy. A lot! And I will share this book with mom after I finished reading it. I hope it will bring her peace too. The pain of losing someone to death never goes away, we can only try to comprehend and embrace it with positive attitude. whoever says "time can wash away pain" is only trying to make you feel there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Time did not wash away pain. Or maybe there is not enough time I put in yet...