I miss dad..

Lately I have developed 2 hobbies - play in share market & go for spinning class.

Play in share market, because I love $$. Jay always say I "lui-bian" (money face).

Go for spinning class, is when the music is frantically rise up, I will frantically cycle on my seats to forget about the hatred I have towards the electrolux bitch, and also the missing feelings I have with dad.

Sometimes I wonder, why can't I dream of dad. Why he never come into my dream so often? (So far, he only talked to me once in my dream. It was about he asking me to take care of mom, ask her don't cry so often. The dream, he was just like before, eating peanuts, watching tv, shaking legs. Just like what he used to do in living room)

I strarted to question, is it something we did wrongly? I mean, could it be because we didn't throw all his ashes into the sea? (we kept some, as rememberance)

Or maybe is it we follow some believe that is incorrect? Maybe there's no Jesus, so we should burn incent for my dad? Could it be because we didn't burn incent & money, so he was not allowed come visit us?

My mom said last time grandpa and grandma passed away, on the 7th day, there will be butterfly fly inside our house, or moth. But with dad, there's nothing in living condition fly inside our house. Not at mom's house, not at my house in Shanghai.

I really started to have a lot of questions lately. When people die, where will they go? Are they allowed to come visit us? And why didn't my dad visit me often? Is it because he died in KL, it is too far for him to come to Shanghai in the dream??? How does this work one?

The more I think about all these, the more upset I feel. I feel I cannot control the situation. And there are so many "what if" scenarios whenever I quiet down and think of my dad:
- what if I insisted he go check up 4 months ago? Would it prolong his life span? but would he want to prolong the life span? It could be a painful process
- what if that night I insisted to stay back and accompany him? Can I save his life?
- what if I returned to KL 3 days before scheduled, he hasn't gone unconscious, would he had told me many things he wanted to tell me?
- what if he can foresee himself dying so soon, is there anything unsettled he wanted me to settle for him?
- ....

I really miss my dad. But, Sometimes I ask myself, "why do you miss your dad? when he is alive that time, you also didn't call him often to talk to him. You only called mama, you seldom call daddy" And this makes me feel very regretful.

Many people said when their loved one dies, they can feel their presence at home. I have never feel dad's presense at home after he passed away. It is like "ziip...", from something to nothing. No thread, no follow up, no nothing. It's just erased. Why??? So easy to erase dad? After so many things he had done to the society, so many great papers he wrote, so many research he contributed to the university and publications, why so easily can get erased???!!!

I don't believe in Jesus anymore. There are so many bad guys in the earth, he let them live, but take away a great guy just liks that, "ziip...", from something to nothing.

Sigh... just one more encounter... I only begging just one more encounter with dad.. I have so many things to talk to him..