Depressing mode

As the 1 year anniversary draw nearer and nearer, I kept flashing back, what was I doing 1 year ago?

1 year ago I still have my dad, alive, not sick, but I didn't try to call him and talk to him more. It was just like normal old days, I spoke to him only when he was at home and answered the phone when I was calling mom. Whenever I have things not going my way, I told my mom, and my mom told my dad, and he will text me with comforting words. I took those sms as granted, I never saved any of them, I deleted them. How regretful I feel now.

I still remember last year in June, I was frantically preparing for the local VIP show. And suddenly things happened, phone calls ringing, and it ruined my life. I still remember how I broke into tears when I asking for few hours off from work from my manager because I need to go buy air ticket to fly off next day, and how good my manager was, she told me don't worry about work, she can cover for me on the whole VIP show preparation.

I still remember that night, I almost wet my whole pillow because I cannot stop crying. And Jay was in his U.S. trip. I was dealing all these alone.

I still remember how I have to turn down Nicole's invitation to her house to eat dinner because her mom was cooking.

I still remember I was texting my dad that night, but forgot that he was too weak to have the phone with him. My sister brought his phone back to house. Anyway, he couldn't have used the phone because he was in ICU the next day, after the big operation, which is a mistaken operation. Many times I wonder, what if he didn't go through that operation, would he have lived more months. And the KK Foo that was the surgeon, I can still remember how unprofessional he was, in dealing with my questions, at that emotional stage, and how he showed his "please punch me" face. His ugly face!

I also remembered how cold was the KLIA airport that day when I arrived. Did the A/C spoilt that day? None of the people I met in the airport have happy face. Do they also have a dying dad? If not, why they have sour face? Jay's arrangement of having his best friend Eric picking me up from airport even though I assure him I can take the taxi is a wise move. It's comforting to know that you have friends care about you and your family during those period of time. I also remember I wept at Eric's car, and luckily he has a tissue box because I finished mine.

I miss my dad:( He didn't let me dream of him anymore. I really wonder where does people go when they died. And what went through their head when they breath out last breathe. By the way, I don't believe there's heaven or Jesus or prayers being heard this kind of rubbish. It makes me depressed thinking of this.

Where is my dad???