God... are you listening to my prayer recently?

At age of 12, I used to think the worst thing that could happen to me, is to fail UPSR. But thank God I passed with flying colors.

At age of 18, I used to think the worst thing that could happen to me, is not able to go to the right university, and end up at those cheap-plak uni. Thank God, I got into the well-known university, at a great living place like Vancouver.

At age of 22, I used to think the worst thing that could happen to me, is not able to get into a well-known corporate, getting a great pay-cheque. Thank God, I got what I want. And at that point, I really think my pay is quite good for a start.

At age of 27, I used to think the worst thing that could happen to me, is not able to meet my Mr. Right. Thank God, I met my hubby in my mid-27. He is really my Mr Right, loving and caring and accept who I am.

Now, at age of 32, the worst thing had happened. My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer, last stage.

My life in the past 2+weeks was totally upside down. There isn't one day that I haven't been crying. I tried to act positive and strong in front of my mom, and so, I only cry when I was alone. Some terrible thing has happened to my dearest dad. He was diagnosed to have sigmoid colon cancer, last stage. Yah, the most words I ever used in the past 2 weeks+ are: 'cancer', 'last stage', and of course, 'chemo'.

It all started when he had headache for days and he went to see doc, and he also complaint about his toilet habit has changed since Feb. Doc did a brief scan and found some mass on his lower abdomen. He flew back from Terengganu to KL on the very same night, and see specialist the next day. He was then hospitalized.

On first day he was hospitalized, I prayed he will be fine and the biomass they saw on scan is a mistake. When he was hospitalized and they found that both of his kidney was swollen a bit, I prayed that nothing was wrong with his kidney and it's just normal for people who are aging. When the doc told us he has to put a tube on his kidney the next day because according to his analysis, my dad kidney was blocked, I prayed that the operation is a success and I told myself it is OK, it's just a tube. Then on Friday afternoon, they came back with blood test result and colon-scopic result, and found out he has cancer and they need to remove the tumor. I prayed that it's only a good tumor, and it's nothing serious. But they then announced that it's spreading like a carpet inside his stomach, and that's 4th stage, he only has 3 months left if he doesn't remove the tumor. I almost fainted. I questioned God. Why is he not satisfied with my smaller and simpler wish each day??

My hubby good fren Eric picked me up from the airport, and drove me to the hospital. I saw my dad in ICU, with so many tubes pocking through his vain, and many wires pocking his skin to take different sort of readings. He just came out from the major operation. I have never see my dad so weak, so fragile, so thin, and hair so grey. I broke into tears. Even in such condition, he hold my hand, and said "I am fine" in weak tone. Never in my life I felt so heart broke. It's such a torture for him to go through this.

My dad spent his Father's Day in ICU this year. No cake, no celebration. His blood pressure was very high after the operation.

And my mom was so weak. She cries everyday at home, refused to eat, and cannot sleep. She kept thinking why this kind of thing can happen to such a good man, a man who has never cheated country (never cheat on tax, never have unpaid saman), who has helped so many people in his life (he helped his student to get into good job by recommendation), who always donate money to different organization to help disabled & poor, who always provide the best thing to his family while he himself just live a plain life, and, who has just retired 4 months ago, haven't even started to enjoy life.

Whenever I think of what my mom said, i cannot help feeling sorry to my dad too. So, I tried not to dwell too much on what my mom said. And tried to cheer her up, encourage her to think positive, and make sure she take every meal.

Then do you know what doctor told me? He told me, even my dad went through chemo therapy, he can just be prolonged another 1 year. He just said it like he was talking to someone who sells vegetable to him in the market. Plainless expression. The doc even told me before he eventually die, he will suffer a lot of pain and only morfein can help him. He said morfein can help him die with dignity. I really hate this doctor. I cannot understand these doctors, how can they just say things like that. How can they be so negative? But later on, I roughly can understand. They probably don't have anyone they love to go through all these.

After 2 days ICU and 7 days general ward, my dad finally can come home to rest. The wounded area was still painful, but it was getting better everyday. It's still so difficult to even think that my dad might leave us within 12 months. Whenever I think of this, I feel painful too. The even more painful thought is, would I be able to fly back on time to see him before he die?? It takes half a day to travel from SH to KL!

But I am so glad my dad is such a strong person. He is positive. He kept saying he will fight through this. He still wants to come to Shanghai to visit me later this year. And he has promised mom last time to bring her to Europe. He said "hopefully I can still fulfill my promise"...

It's sore, it's helpless. Only miracle and God can help my dad. I prayed a lot nowadays, and I really hope God is listening, and continue to give me strength and hope. And I hope I can get leave and go back for his 1st chemo treatment.

p/s: I am also glad I have a very understanding manager. Although I used up my AL already, she said she has no problem to approve my leave whenever I need to apply to go back see my dad.